A guide to singing the blues

Getting started

Most blues begin with you waking up this morning. After that, it is
permissible
to pass comment on your woman.

"I got a good woman" is a bad way to begin the blues. If you got a good
woman
why the hell you singing the blues? The only way around this is to stick
something nasty in the next line.

For instance: "I got a good woman / With the meanest face in town / Got
teeth
like Margaret Thatcher / And she weigh 500 pound."

Then you repeat it. We don't know why. You just do.

Getting around

The first thing to remember about the blues is not about choice. Your car
stuck
in a ditch today, your car stuck in a ditch tomorrow - ain't no way out.

Chevys, cadillacs and broken down trucks are the blues. Volvo estates, Ford
Mondeos and anything made in Japan are not. When John Lee Hooker wrote Cool
Little Car he sure weren't thinking of no damn Nissan Sunny. If you got no
car,
other permissible transportation includes a Greyhound bus or southbound
train,
preferably in the company of hobos. EasyJet or Virgin Express ain't doing
it.

Walkin' plays a major part in blues. As does fixin' to die and meting the
devil
at the crossroads. Getting stuck in a 5 hour traffic jam on the M5 is not
the
blues. Just unfortunate.

Locations

Blues can take place in New York City, but not in Hawaii or anywhere in
Canada.
Hard times in Oklahoma is plain depressing, but hard times in Chicago, St
Louis
or Kansas City is the blues. Losing all your American Express travellers
cheques on vacation in Acapulco is just a pain in the butt. You cannot have
the
blues any place that don't get rain.

Good places for the blues: highway, jailhouse, empty bed, bottom of whisky
glass.

Who can sing the blues?

Teenagers and schoolchildren cannot sing the blues. They ain't fixin' to die
yet. Blues is for adults and adulthood means being old enough to get the
chair
if you shoot a man in Memphis. Blues is not a colour thing. Tiger Woods
cannot
sing the blues. Colin Montgomerie probably could. A man with male pattern
baldness ain't the blues. A woman with male pattern baldness is. Breaking
your
leg while skiing in Val d'Isere is not the blues. Losing your leg to an
alligator in a Louisiana swamp is. You cannot wear a suit and sing the blues
unless you happen to be an 80 year old ethnic person and you slept in it.

Also, no matter how tragic your life, if you own a laptop computer you
cannot
sing the blues. Maybe your big ol' mean woman done sit down on it. We don't
care. You ain't going nowhere with blues like that.

Do you have the right to sing the blues?

Yes if: you're older than dirt / you're blind / you shot a man in Memphis /
you
can't be satisfied.

No if: you have all your own teeth / you were once blind but now can see /
it
turned out to be a flesh wound / you have a retirement plan, company pension
or
trust fund.

Lifestyle

If you asked for water and baby done give you gasoline, it's the blues.
Other
acceptable beverages are: Thunderbird wine, whisky or bourbon, muddy water,
black coffee. On no account ask for gin and tonic, a Bacardi Breezer,
Snapple,
Tokay-Pinot Gris Grand Cru furstentum 1998 or camomile tea.

Fixin' to die

If it occurs in a cheap motel or a shotgun shack, it's a blues death.
Stabbed
in the back by a jealous lover is another blues way to die. So is the chair,
substance abuse, or lonely on a broken down cot.

A heart attack playing squash, bizarre liposuction mishaps or being
electrocuted while strimming the lawn is not the blues.

Your name

Some blues names for women: Sadie, Bessie, Big Mama, Fat River Dumpling.

Some blues names for men: Willie, Big Willie, Little Willie, Blind Willie.

Persons with names like Sierra, Sequoia, Auburn, Rainbow and Kevin cannot
sing
the blues if they take a machine gun to the men of Memphis.

Make your own blues name

A. Name of physical infirmity (Blind, Leadbelly, Lame etc), size of person
(Big, Little, Tall, Shorty) or special ability (Howlin', Screamin',
Mumblin').

B. First name (as above) or name of fruit (Lemon, Lime)

C. Last name of president (Jefferson, Johnson, Washington etc.)

Important note: This system is not entirely foolproof as, while Blind Lemon
Jefferson is considered a perfect name for a bluesman, Big Strawberry Bush,
while using the same procedure, sounds somewhat unsavoury and is very likely
to
get you banned in exactly the sort of states that that would appreciate your
music best.

Hope this helps

Lame Mango Washington

Professor of Blues, Memphis, Tennessee